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Using this AGAIN? Weird.

Every time something like tragedy happens in my family, I turn to God for my strength. Every time something like tragedy happens in my family, I turn to something a little different for my inspiration.

I turn to New Orleans for my source of renewal. I turn to vampires for my inspiration to keep going, keep writing and get me, mentally I guess, through whatever it is I've been put through. I don't see this as a bad thing, for those who would worry about where my thinking might be heading. I did put God first, after all. God is my rock, and will always be. Vampires, mythology and my beloved New Orleans is my... state of mind, per se. It's incredibly difficult to explain, and I'm not sure why I'm trying, but writing has always made me feel better.

Tonight in LA feels like a Spring night (or even a fall night) in New Orleans. It reminds me of my second home to the point of homesickness. I miss her desperately sometimes, my city. It holds such absolute inspiration for me. It keeps mystery, it always surprises me. Tonight I miss New Orleans like I miss a friend who's moved away. Probably more, actually.

I downloaded all of Lestat: The Musical a week or two ago, and I'm absolutely addicted. It's not even very good, hell it was canceled a month into its Broadway run or something crazy like that. But I can't stop listening to it. I'm writing poetry again, I'm listening to Depeche Mode, the Cure and Anberlin again. This is how I deal with things, I guess. I get more Gothy, I suppose. And I really don't mind... I love this part of me. I do some of my best writing when I'm all Gothed-out.

But why Vampires? Not Twilight vampires (which I love, don't get me wrong), but honest-to-goodness die-with-the-sun vampires? Lestat, Claudia, Dracula (well, not so much Dracula), Armand... and most especially Louis. Yes, I relate to that depressed rat-sucking vampire more than many of the others. Lestat I relate to very much, but only up until he gets to Paris. After that he becomes too far removed from humanity... but Louis. He constantly struggles with the idea of humanity. He never wants to lose it, but knows he is damned. He's depressed. I'm depressed. It fits. I understand how he wants to be a part of humanity, so do I. But now I'm sounding like a whiny goth kid, so I'll move on (he's whiny, too. We're a pair).

What's the point of this entry? I've lost it. I can't remember. I probably just want to get my thoughts out on virtual paper. I just noticed how I revert to New Orleans and Vampires whenever times get tough. I think it's a little weird, but sometimes I look forward to those times as a writer. It's a lot easier to write when one isn't entirely happy. My best work comes out when I feel this way. It's kind of nice.

Wow, that makes me sound crazy. Lovely.
Apparently I can't even do God's work right. Awesome.

OMG, I'm actually using this?

Yes, yes I am. I'm losing (at least in my head) my last place of free speech- facebook. There have been some problems at church, and suffice to say to appease people I'm toning myself down. Not a lot, not even moderately, but it's still infringing on the last place I had to be me.

So I'm coming back here, although nearly no one reads this, and writing for myself just isn't as... satisfying.

I recently got turned down.. and it hurts. Not only am I not used to asking people out, I'm definitely not used to being turned down when I do. Shocking, right? But it's more than that. We're absolutely perfect for eachother, minus that who "spark" thing. Who needs that anyway? I suppose it's because I'm incredibly lonely (oh, no, here she goes AGAIN), but I just don't get why we wouldn't work. I've had feelings for a while now, so to just kind of.. lose them isn't helping my already incredibly low self-esteem.

Besides all this, I've realised that my dad hasn't given me a compliment on how I look in over a year. He ALWAYS just points out my flaws. I never notice it, either, until I'm away from the house not even thinking about it. Then it hits me like a brick wall. I cried on the way to school yesterday. WTF. Thanks, Dad, for boosting your daughter's confidence levels.

Also, because of today's Women in American Society class, I now know why I'm taken seriously as a person, but never desired as a woman. I'm overweight, and men aren't threatened by fat chicks. No joke, this is seriously the reason. My prof's mother was the only woman in her Philosophy dept in college. She was also incredibly hot and very well-endowed. No one paid attention to her, and all of the men avoided her (eye contact, everything). So she got depressed, which is to be expected, and she started eating. Well, she put on 100 pounds. But, all of a sudden, none of the men were afraid to look at her anymore. They invited her to coffee and generally listened to what she had to say. She figured out the correlation just like I did.

So what do I pick? What do I do? I feel like complete crap now, but that just makes me confused. I want to be taken seriously as a person, but I also desperately desire to be seen as girlfriend material. I hate you, society, especially you men. Stop it with these mixed signals.

On top of all of THAT, I had a dream about -HIM-. My subconscious was lying to my best friend about it, too. My conscious knew it, but couldn't stop it. So I woke up feeling incredibly hurt and depressed, and it just went on from there.

I also won't have money to buy anyone Christmas gifts, let alone pay RENT, and that's killing me. I feel terrible.

I'm lonely. I'm oppressed. I'm desperate. I just want... freedom in nearly every sense of the word.

Long time no post.

This one's a short one.

UGH. I hate it when I'd fuck up things by speaking what I feel.


This is not a survey.

Today was a shitty day. Oh, yeah. By the way, this will contain bad language. Do not read if you can't take it. Or feel like giving me un-asked for advice. I don't really care what you have to say if it's not building me up somehow. I'm not going to censor myself because of church people, or young people. This is me, get over it.

Today was a shitty day. I couldn't register for classes due to the PCC website not recognizing that I do, indeed, have the proper prerequisites for classes. So now I will have to go to APU, get a transcript, take it to PCC and register for classes in person. Fuck me, that's overkill. I have a feeling that every semester will be like this. It already has been every single semester of my college life. I'm about ready to qut. Fuck the degree, I'm done with this much hassle and nothing to show for it.

Second, I can't seem to keep my damn mouth shut. Everything I say turns out to be the wrong thing. I've pissed off a friend of mine at least three time in the past hour. I've decided to just keep my mouth shut.

Third, I swear fate hates me sometimes. I finally have money to spend on things like registration, New Orleans and Comic-Con. Registration isn't working, the money for New Orleans this week had to go to registration and all the fucking badges are sold out. Even the one-day badges. Not even EBAY has any left. Fuck my life. ALL I wanted this summer was to see the "New Moon" Panel. I can't even do that now. I missed Anime Expo and Fanime, and now I have to miss Comic-Con. I'm sure now that nothing I want to do this summer will get accomplished.

I can't even finish a fucking book this summer.

Fuck my life right now. Last week everything was perfect. I knew it was just a matter of time before things got fucked up somehow. It always happens that way.

Way to go, God. You know exactly what to do to keep me line and to keep me from getting a big head. Good job! Now go fuck with someone else's life.


I'm feeling lost again. I know I only update this when something's wrong, but writing in my therapy. I think dad's depressed, which makes my feel like a burden. I've needed him to fix my fan for two days now. It's not easy to sleep in a house that never gets cool. Every time I ask about the fan (It's been like four times now), he gets angry with me, grabs a beer and goes downstairs. Ugh, it makes me feel like crying.

I did cry last night. I don't want a repeat.

And sure, it doesn't help that I've been reading what turned out to be REALLY sad fanfics. I didn't mean to, they just ended sadly.

All this probably means I need to exercise more, I'm sure. You know, get those endorphins pumping through my system. I have to be awake so early, however, that by the time it's cool enough to go jogging, all I want to do is sleep. Ugh. Vicious cycle.

Oh, and the utterly desperate feeling is back. The feeling where I can't stand that there's no one to read or watch TV with me. The feeling that there's no one to kiss me, and it's nearly painful. I'm not a touch person until I don't have it. That bugs me. Well, it's not so much that I'm never a touch person, it's just that there's only one person I want to touch me (ew, stop being gross). I know that won't happen, though. He's my Edward, but the Edward I'll never get. He'll always be on my peripheral, never in full view.

Damnit. I don't even have a Jacob to run to.


Update.... again.

I feel melancholy tonight. Well, more than that- I feel lonely again.

I'm talking to a really cool guy on OKC right now. He's really funny, we've exchanged numbers and I'll be seeing him next Friday, but I'm still lonely. I know who I want, and I also know I'll never get him. That's quite a lonely thought.

Yesterday I was feeling like everything in my life was finally going to be falling into place. Emily has an off-campus apartment that I WILL be moving into by August. I got a call from a dentist office yesterday who seemed like they really wanted me to work there. I knew what I was doing for school.

Today I feel completely different. The apartment is still there- hell, we're getting a bunk bed. But today I got no call from the dentist office. I applied to two more offices looking for receptionists. Since February I've applied to close to 100 jobs. I'm feeling like it might never come- or come too late.

My dad keeps making "jokes" about me never completing school. I finally lost it and shouted at him that it wasn't my fault that I only have 9 units this semester. It's really not my fault- by the time I was able to register (the date they gave me was one of the last) there were barely any classes left, and the ones I did get I had to crash and add. It's not my fault I only go to class three days a week. At the point it's not even my fault that I don't have a job.

I'm just wondering what plan God's got in store for me. I thought I had it all figured out, now I'm feeling lost at a crossroads with no roadmap. AAA, where are you when I need you?

Hey all

Wow, three weeks since I posted? I guess that's a good sign. I suppose I better give you all an update, however.

Boyfriend has come and gone. It was sort of fun while it lasted, but I didn't feel anything for him, and so I wasn't going to waste his time.

Monday Grandma went into the hospital. She couldn't expel the CO2 from her lungs, so she was put on breathing machines for about two days. She's doing just fine, only on oxygen like normal, and is no longer in ICU. It's been a trying week for my dad and uncle for sure.

I quit dance class. I dreaded it every morning, and left the class almost in tears. I'm just not meant to dance. At least... not around a bunch of incredibly skinny girls who are already good at it naturally. It was too much for my psyche to handle- I'm just not strong to take that kind of beating everyday. Physically, either. I have Ogden Schlatter's disease on my knees, so I can't actually sit on them. The class did a lot of floor work for warm-ups, and I couldn't really participate. Suckage. So... I left.

I have a new love- Kyou Kara Maou! It's one of the best anime I've ever seen, and I highly reccommend it. Wolfram is the best. <3 But it's over now, and I have nothing left to watch of it. A petition is going around to get the 4th season made. Maybe it'll work; that's how the 3rd season got made, afterall.

Sci/Fantasy class is amazing. We finished Fellowship of the Ring last Tuesday. Turns out that everyone in there is a HUGE LotR fan, and we're having a movie night on the 21st. W00t. We've just started Watership Down, and so far it is really freaking cute. Even when they're attacked it's cute. I want a bunny again.

I still don't have a job, although I had an interview last Monday. They said they wanted me, but also said they would let me know on Friday, and, well, it's Saturday. So, I'll keep looking.

Woke up to a domestic disturbance across the street this morning. Thought we heard a gunshot, but thankfully it wasn't. Police were called, but nothing has been done. It's all quiet over there now, but it was more than a little scary.

I'm on Twitter now (BellaGray), and looooving it. That's probably why I stopped posting so much here. I can just text what I'm doing to my Twitter. I'm also on Facebook a LOT, so find me there if I haven't been on LJ in a while.

Other than that, life goes on as it has this past age (damn it, LotR, stop invading my thoughts). I want more anime to watch. :(
Turns out I have something much worse than previously thought. It could be this:


It could just be the worst case of the stomach flu I've had since I was little.

Either way, I can barely type this. I apologize for any misspellings, but I'm ready to sleep. Erin brought me Gatorade to keep me hydrated, cause dad went to Las Vegas this weekend- joy. Erin is bringing her mom over later to diagnose me like only moms can do.

*sigh* I just need to see Jess' show tomorrow night...


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